Joke S5-22 Best Short Jokes

Best Short Jokes

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I order the sandwich all the time, however i am not even a member, man. i do not skills i buy away with it.[4]

I visited a pizza parlor, I ordered a slice of pizza pie, the fucker gave ME the tiniest slice attainable. If the pizza pie was a chart for what individuals would do if they found 1,000,000 greenbacks, the fucker gave ME the "donate it to charity" slice. i might prefer to exchange this for the "keep it!"[4]

I saw this wino, he was ingestion grapes. I was like, "Dude, you've got to attend."[5]

When I play the South, they are saying "y'all" within the South. They cast off the "O" and also the "U". thus once i am within the South I try and speak like that thus individuals perceive ME. "Hello, am i able to have a bowl of chicken noodle s-p? return on, i am within the South, you perceive. I mean i am within the S-th, and that i wish some s-p!" "I stubbed my toe, -ch!" "I have to be compelled to lay down on the c-ch!" "I have to be compelled to get the fuck -t of the S-th!"[6]

Sometimes within the middle of the night, i believe of one thing that is funny, then i'm going get a pen and that i write it down. Or if the pen's too far-off, I even have to persuade myself that what i believed of ain't funny.[3]

You know, i am displeased following my dreams, man. i am simply getting to raise wherever they go and attach with 'em later.[7]

Vending machines square measure an enormous a part of my life. i favor once you reach the coin machine to grab your candy which flap goes up to dam you from reaching up. that is an honest invention. Before then it had been hardship for the coin machine homeowners, "What candy square measure you getting?", "That one... and each one on the lowest row!"

Intro* Alright, there square measure lots of individuals within the rest room and that i do not wanna waste these jokes, thus i am gonna hang around for a bit bit. square measure there speakers within the bathroom? Alright well fuck it, let's hump. i am going to simply save my a lot of physical stuff for later; this is often all audio.

To the individuals within the bathroom: How's it getting into there?

Lull is one letter aloof from being four L's in a very... aw fuck. i believed I had a plan there, then again i noticed, no, you do not.

Is a hippo a hippo or simply a extremely cool opotamus?

Steam rollers run shit over to create certain it's smart. Like if they need to check a product, they will run over it with a steam roller. however does one apprehend the steam roller's good? World Health Organization ran over-

If I had a greenback for each time I aforesaid that, i might be creating cash {in a|during a|in an exceedingly|in a terribly} very weird method.

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for once you feel sick however sociable.

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that postponement the belt. What the fuck's extremely goin on down there? World Health Organization is that the real hero?

I had a bit of Carefree sugarless gum and that i was still disquieted. It ne'er kicked in, I took it back to the shop and aforesaid "Bullshit!"

I'm associate ice sculptor - last night i created a cube.

The number one reason for alcoholic relapse in winged insects is being cornered {in a|during a|in associate exceedingly|in a very} pint glass with an receptacle.

I would imagine that the within of a bottle of improvement fluid is... fucking... clean.

If you've got dentures, do not use artificial sweetener, cause you will get a faux cavity.

I saw this gallant, he was sporting a animal skin jacket, and at an equivalent time he was ingestion a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I aforesaid to him "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. do not go to sleep or i am going to tip you over."

That'd be funny if you were a percussionist, and you grabbed 2 witching wands rather than drumsticks. Be pounding out the beat "1-2-3-4 American state shit, my bass player's currently a will of soup... Sorry Rick, I mean Cream of Mushroom!"

Remember that show 'My 3 Sons'? it would be funny if it had been referred to as 'My One Dad'... wait, what?

You know once you go in a bar and you would like to clean your hands, thus you move to the lavatory, and that they haven't got any hot water? you switch on the C knob, cold water comes out, you switch on the H knob, cold water comes out! It's like, fuck, you low-cost bar! however I will settle for that, however I simply wish to grasp what H stands for now! C clearly stands for "cold." H should signify, "Ha hour angle Dude! You thought this shit was hot, however it's not! currently go unfold some germs!"

A dish could be a bag for beef.

In Venice, Italy they do not have streets they need canals. thus in Venice, we have a tendency to gotta keep the children off the canals! In Venice if you are not book sensible however you are doing apprehend what is going on on you're canal sensible. "I got canal smarts bitch!"

I visited a record store, they aforesaid they specialised in hard-to-find records. NOTHING WAS ALPHABETIZED!

Here's a plan for sweat search owners: air con. downside resolved.

Now let ME raise you this: why does one suppose there is a brick wall behind comedians? perhaps, within the previous days, there was a wolf that did comedy, and he wasn't that funny. All the previous clubs had STRAW within the back. then again the wolf would have a foul set, and huff and puff, and fuck shit up! Then we have a tendency to visited STICKS, and all over again, he huffed and puffed, and also the dickhead fucked shit up again! currently we're at bricks; the wolf ain't funny, however he cannot do shit. that is the Improv Fairy Tale.

I am s-stiff; Medusa has checked out me; i am turning into a pillar of salt. That'd be funny if, like, you recognize however Medusa, if you checked out her you become a pillar of salt, like if you were ingestion and, like, "This is not very salty. Hey, dude, consider that snake-haired bitch! ... Thank you... Hmm, smashing now; thanks, snake-haired bitch! i might prefer to build eye contact, however it's salty enough."

You know once it involves racism, individuals say: " i do not care if they are black, white, purple or green"... Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the road somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they are dyspnoeal - then help'em.

I saw an advert on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you recognize concerning slipcovers." So I did. And it had been a load off my mind. Then the industrial tried to sell ME slipcovers, and that i did not apprehend what the hell they were.

I like the American-Canadian border, 'cause if you are walking on the border with a devotee, and you push your friend into Canada, he cannot push you back quickly, 'cause initial he has got to bear customs. "What brings you to Canada?":[Points to the side] "That asshole." "When square measure you leaving?" "As before long as I regain my equilibrium!"

I have a brand new CD; it's in stores, and once you have a CD in stores, you've got to try to to in-store appearances, and if no one shows up, I simply fake like i am searching. that is however I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen.

Some individuals suppose i am high on stage; i might ne'er get high before a show, because, once i am high, i do not wanna exchange front of a bunch of individuals i do not apprehend. That doesn't sound comfy. Like, once you are high, and a joke does not work, it's additional alarming. It's like,"Whoa, what the hell happened there? i'm retreating at intervals myself. Why have of these individuals gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing an equivalent method as everybody else? And what's this electrical stick in my hand?"

(to audience) i favor the method this is often set here. It looks like you guys were chasing ME, closing in, and so aforesaid "fuck it...lets sit down".

I was walking down the road the opposite day once this guy asked if I wished a frozen banana...I aforesaid 'no' then again thought i would desire a regular banana later, so...yeah.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he is a drug peddler and he does not even comprehend it...and he is forever on time.

When you move to a edifice on the weekends and it's busy they begin a roll. they begin career out names, they are saying "Dufresne, party of 2. Dufresne, party of 2." And if nobody answers they will say their name once more. "Dufresne, party of 2, Dufresne, party of 2." then again if nobody answers they will simply go right to succeeding name. "Bush, party of 3." Yeah, what happened to the Dufresnes? nobody looks to offer a shit. World Health Organization will erode a time like this? individuals square measure missing! You fuckers square measure stingy. The Dufresnes square measure in someone's trunk right away, with adhesive tape over their mouths. and they are hungry. that is a double whammy. Bush, party of 3, you'll eat once you notice the Dufresnes.

I infuriated the clerk in a very wear search these days. She asked ME what size i used to be and that i aforesaid actual, as a result of i'm to not scale.

People who sleep in glass homes should not throw stones. Unless, of course, they relish several broken windows.

You know once a corporation needs to use letters in their telephone number to be catchy? however usually times they use too several letters. "Give United States of America a decision down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting." It's too several letters, man. "Hello?" "Hold on, i am solely on 'Enjoy'! however did you recognize i used to be calling? I will see why they employed you!"

If i used to be on death house and given one last meal i might elicit a cooky. "Come on 'long prosperous life!'"

I'm displeased Soup of the Day, it is time we have a tendency to created a call. I wanna apprehend what the fuck 'Soup From currently On' is.

I have a vest. If I had my arms discontinue, it'd be a jacket.

I had one anchovy, that is why I did not have 2 anchovy.

I saw a girl on T.V. She was born while not arms. Literally, she was born together with her hands connected to her shoulders... which was unhappy, then again they aforesaid, "Lola doesn't apprehend the which means of the word 'can't.'" which to ME was kind of worse... in a way... ya know? Not solely will she not have arms, however she does not perceive straightforward contractions. it is very straightforward, Lola, you simply take 2 words, you set them along, then you're taking out the center letter, you set a comma in there and you raise it up!

A fly was terribly near being referred to as a "land," cause that is what they are doing [*fr1] the time.

Yeah, this comedy is all a section of my "Get wealthy Slow" theme... and it's operating.

If i used to be the headless horsemen's horse, i might fuck therewith gallant. "Yeah, we're going that method. We're not headed towards the fodder." Imagine if the headless horsemen had a headless horse, that might be fucking chaos. "We want a head!" American state, I got a brand new headless horsemen joke. i might hate to be the headless horsemen's medical man. you would not build substantially cash.

I will browse minds however, it's pointless cause i am illiterate. i might apprehend what you were thinking, if I might browse. (laugh) i attempted to feature on to it joke. I got busted. Thought I might squeeze a few a lot of laughs out of it however, it had been to not be.

I wrote down "tea ski." What the fuck kind of joke is that? I even have no clue. Tea ski, what the fuck? American state yea, I remember. I wanna move to a lake and place tea baggage in there, for sort of a hundred of 'em for sort of a week, and so i am gonna tea ski.

I got a king sized bed. i do not apprehend any kings, however if one came to visit, i suppose he'd be comfy. "Oh, you are a king, you say? Well you will not believe what I even have future for you! It's to your actual specifications! i feel I will established your wife, too!

I notice a duck's opinion of ME is extremely abundant influenced by whether or not or not I even have bread.